Happy birthday, Bob!

25 Sep

(Image @ enjoyart.com)

Dearest Bob,

Another day, another letter.  I wonder if you’re tired of these by now.  I wonder if they make it to you….

Today is a different day.  Today is a bittersweet day.  Today is both your birthday and the two-month anniversary of your passing.  Today serves as reminder of the incredible gift I was given and the formidable sense of loss I feel every day.

Today was a good day.  It was a bright, crisp, consummate fall day.  You would have loved the leaves today – they were that perfect end-of-summer orange, scattered lazily over still-green grass.  For every leaf I tread over, I smiled a bit more.  Now that I think about it, I don’t know your favourite season, but I know that fall is mine and I know that the brilliant orange of it makes me think of your Halo Spartan soldier.  It makes me think of you.

Bob, thank you.

Today was a good day not only because my favourite season coincided with thoughts of one of my favourite people.  It was a good day because I remembered something I want.  I want  to be someone you would have been proud of.

You have taught me so much about life.  I understand forgiveness and acceptance more deeply because of you.  I see the world a bit differently because of you.  Case in point?  You have to promise you won’t laugh, but there’s an orb-weaver spider that has been living just outside of my patio door since shortly after you passed who has me in thrall.  I have, for a very long time, tried not to kill spiders – it’s certainly not their fault I have an unwarranted phobia of them – but this orb-weaver has borne a striking new respect for her and her brethren in me.  I adore watching her (from a very safe distance, behind a tightly shut glass door) as she constructs, deconstructs and inevitably reconstructs her home.  Spiders still give me the heebie-jeebies, but it’s lessening.  Again you have to promise you won’t laugh, but I’ve adopted Spider as a guide.  She was one of your totems, is a very important figure in life and mythology, and brings the past, present and future as well as the world of the living and the world of spirits together with her strong, gentle web – I can stand to learn a great deal from Spider.

Today is a first day, Bob.  Today you’ve given me a gift.  I yearn to understand life and to see the world as you did.  I want to accept without judgement and forgive without question.  I want to open myself to the world and truly be a part of it.  I want to do this for me and for the people I love.  I want to do this for you.  That is my gift to you today, I want to step into the world, leaving my security blanket tucked away safely, and become a part of it.

I love you, honey.  Always have, always will.  Your place is at the front of the line.  Evermore.

Rest well, ogre.

Yours,

– vyxen

(Image @ Faye Nightingale’s Tumblr)

PS. I still want that hug, buddy.

On July 25th, 2012 my friend Bob (most familiar to me as “ogre”) passed away.  He is survived by a group of people I do not have adequate words to describe.  They love fiercely and support without question.  I am not only fortunate but so incredibly grateful to have been able to “meet” some of the people Bob held most dear.  They amaze me daily.  Thank you for your encouragement, stories, smiles and soggy shoulders – you are phenomenal.

Pantera – Planet Caravan

UNT.

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3 Responses to “Happy birthday, Bob!”

  1. kaysfairytale September 26, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

    This was so lovely. I had tears in my eyes while I read it.
    Hang in there.

    • Kim September 26, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

      Thank you Kay, so much. I really appreciate that. 🙂

      Memories are good. I smile more than I cry now – I figure that’s how he’d want it.

  2. Kim September 25, 2014 at 8:53 pm #

    Reblogged this on Go Fox Yourself and commented:
    It’s been two years since I wrote this. Over two years since you left.

    I still miss you. I still love you. I still think about you often. I still want to be a person you would be proud of.

    Thinking about you today, out of the blue, made me smile. (Because as much as I would like to admit that I do, I do not think about you as often as I used to. The love is still there and it’s still as strong as it always was, but I have so many things tugging my brain in so many directions, these days.) That today was another perfect Fall day, complete with crunchy Halo Spartan soldier orange leaves, made me smile. That I now have a Little Dude I know you would be head over heels in love with and want updates about as often as possible, makes me smile.

    I love you. I’m thinking about you and I’m smiling. Happy birthday, honey. I miss you so hard.

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