Be happy, damnit.

21 Aug

I am not who I want to be.  Not at all.

But I’m getting there.

I’ve been having a less-than-chipper year so far.  Most of that I’d like to attribute to a pound of Seasonal Affective Disorder peppered with a dash of non-clinical depression.  The winter here was longer, darker and more snowy than it ought to have been.  This carried on into the Spring and Summer.  When Spring started peeking around the seasonal corner a bit of hope snuck around with it.  Alas, its wily counterpart Summer thought better of appearing for its sold-out show and decided to palm a piña colada back East instead.  (We had a week of lovely weather, but it rarely climbed above the 25C mark.  Ontario was far more lucky this year.)

This below average mood has been affecting every facet of my life.  Suffice to say it’s been a bit difficult.  So much so that I began to think the downward spiral may never end.

Now I’m not 100% certain the spiral itself has ended, but I’ve grabbed hold of a root on the way down and I’m holding on tight.  I am reasonably sure I’ve even made some headway on the climb back up.

The Artist’s Way has helped.  Taking control of the creative aspect of my life and (slowly) getting back on track has been a godsend.  TAW encourages me to be “selfish,” and do things that I enjoy doing.  Kendra’s 5CC (see the linkage on the right.  You can’t miss it, it’s pretty and blue) has helped.  She also encourages me to be “selfish,” and to do things that I enjoy doing.  Both of these events are making me a better me.

mephy and I just got back from a rainy evening walk with Little Miss Full-of-Piss-and-Vinegar.  It was awesome.  Last night, after a great bout of GSD v. Standard Poodles (the GSD won.  She usually does.  She is, after all, a juggernaut of win), I went on a quick hoof.  It was also awesome.  It’s obscene how exercise affects me.  I’ve been re-introduced to a struggle with my physical self-esteem (vyxen + a scale = devastation.  It’s why I don’t keep scales in my home.  I put too much stock in utter crap).  I need to start being more healthy.  It’s not that I’ve gone and become a direct competitor to Jabba in weight class, but I’ve lapsed in the walking and I’ve eaten one too many Hawkins Cheezies for comfort.  If I eat a little better and move around a little more not only will my (vain) physical self-esteem begin to improve but the weight that has settled onto my shoulders will slide off just a little bit.

It’s all me, folks.  I need to eat better and walk more to make myself happy.  I need to write frequently, practising and honing my technique, to make myself happy.  Myself being happy is the way to successful relationships.  mephy hates an unhappy vyxen.  Of course he does!  He loves his crazy tempestuous redhead (he’s fucked in the head, I totally agree – you ain’t going to catch me complaining, though).  Other relationships will reap the rewards of my being happy, but mephy is at the top of my list.  I love him.  He’s nerdy, adorable, creative, brilliant, sweet and a complete box of juice.  I want to keep him and I want to keep him happy.  One of the ways that I can do that is to keep myself happy.  See?  It’s not that selfish to be happy is it?  I owe it to the people in my life to maintain a relatively good mood at least 75% of the time.  If I am not happy then they aren’t as happy.  (The world revolves around me, you ought to have sussed that out by now.)  It’s the same for you cats.  If you’re not happy the people who care about you (and who you care about) aren’t happy.  They’re concerned.  You need to be happy, which means you need to be “selfish.”  You need to take that hour out of your day, week or month and do that thing you’ve been meaning to do.  Have that second helping of ice cream, hit the soda shoppe for a chocolate malt, buy yourself a new pen and notebook – I really don’t care what you do, just do it and smile.

You matter.

I matter.

We owe it to everyone in our lives to be happy.  So be selfish and make those other people happy, damnit!

Econoline Crush – Razorblades And Bandaides (Check out EC’s new track Thorn.  I can’t get a decent version of it on YouTube, but it’s well worth a listen.)



8 Responses to “Be happy, damnit.”

  1. C August 21, 2011 at 10:02 pm #

    I think everyone needs to be at least a little selfish in order to stay sane. I spend over $120 a month for dance classes that will probably NEVER go beyond the recreational level. However, having discovered dance, I would never willingly give it up, and I think $120 a month is a great deal to keep my sanity, especially considering how hectic life can get sometimes. Dancing boosts my self-esteem, my confidence, and it prevents me from becoming a hermit.

    I’m not saying you should join dance because then you’d laugh at me, but maybe something that does for you what dance does for me? Have you thought about joining any clubs? Maybe something that would even let (or encourage!) you to take Ayla?

  2. Lightningfall August 22, 2011 at 11:54 am #

    Here’s to selfishness, Vyx!

  3. hotshot bald cop September 3, 2011 at 7:00 am #

    Preach it my brother.

  4. lesbeau September 15, 2011 at 2:04 pm #

    I had meant to reply to this long, long ago. This sucks. That’s the easiest way to say it. Not being happy sucks. But everyone knows that. And some people are sad for an afternoon and they have a cup o’ tea and sleep it off, wake up in the morning and eat their shredded wheat and move on with their lives. Another day and all that bullshit. For the rest of us though, it’s every day. It’s getting out of bed, it’s getting to work, it’s making it through work, it’s coming home, and doing things. All day it sucks.

    Being happy is the biggest, hardest struggle one will ever encounter. We live our lives based on letting ‘things’ make us happy, money, cars, clothes, houses, food, friends, books, plants, dogs, gerbils. And while they make it easier to live in this world, they don’t always make it easier to live inside ourselves. Nothing does, not even time.

    This is the scary part. My best friend Lynn once told me, “You hold your hand the longest” which i love and hate. It’s true, but it makes me feel very alone. Through all my crazies and all my therapy the only thing I’ve learned to do, is find happiness in those little things and hold onto it like its the last fucking grain of rice in china. Knowwhati’msayin? Life is hard for anyone who’s even the least bit different. You’re a writer. You’re not supposed to be happy. And it’s okay not to be okay. It really is. I’m not gonna give you any bullshit about taking it day by day or things will look up, or it’s gonna be okay in the end. No. It’s bullshit that people say when they either have nothing to say or don’t understand what you’re feeling. You just have to find the things that make you happy, and take a second when you find them, and hold on as tight as you can for as long as you can. Even if it’s a two second smile as you see a puppy prance by. Hold onto it.

    You’re not alone. ❤

    • vyxen September 16, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

      I miss you, L. I do. Thank you.

      I try to wear the mask, but it slips. This whole goddamn post was an attempt to make it fit better. I have moments when I think I’m okay, but they get right and properly swallowed by The Rest.

      I like that I’m not supposed to be happy. I actually do. It’s kind of like a weight’s been lifted, y’know? I think part of The Point of life is to learn as much as you possibly can to prepare you for your next go (or for your Afterlife – whatever you believe). Darkening those rose coloured glasses isn’t a bad lesson.

      Thank you. Really. Like reallyreally. Heh – I feel like I should stalk and hug you. 🙂

      • lesbeau September 16, 2011 at 9:01 pm #

        Then do it! I miss you to. I’m not even at UNBC anymore to stalk you. This means we should schedual something. And follow through with it.

  5. vyxen September 17, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    I WILL stalk you at burlesque at the end of the month, so there’s that. But yes, we should drink coffee. Together. At the same time.


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