Who. Are. You?

12 Jun

Kendra was honest about life and blogging this week(end).

It got me thinking.

I’m honest here.  I’ve never lied to you.  I’ve never withheld important information.  I have withheld, though.

I wrote to a friend today and said that I was tired of donning the happy-face mask when the last thing I’m feeling is happy.  I’m tired of the charade.  I can’t promise to leave it behind, because sometimes we just have to grin and bear it, but I can try veryveryvery hard to leave the mask off most days.

The last thing I’ve been feeling, these last two weeks, is happy.  Talking last week helped, but not enough.  Coming to terms with some things this week helped, but not completely.

Honestly, a great deal of my current “blah-ness” can be chalked up to a lapse in self-understanding.  I think we (the glorious “we”) have moments when we need to re-evaluate who we are.  Just when you think you understand yourself, you go ahead and change.  Things that weren’t important before become important later.  Similarly, things that seemed life-and-death earlier are of little consequence now.  Transition.  It’s a mighty strange thing.  It’s difficult to fit every aspect of your past into your present – some things need to be left aside.

I realize that my stream of consciousness doesn’t make a lot of sense.  This is one of those posts that sounded considerably more reasonable when I was thinking about it.  The actual practice of writing it falls a little shy of comprehensible.  But, you cats have it easy.  You’ve been reading long enough to have an idea of where I tend to come from.  Try living this shit.  No GPS, no road map, nothing.

I’m losing track of who I am.  I’m not really sure what makes me . . . me.  What do I want to share with the world?  What do I bring to the world?  What defines me?  What makes me interesting (aside from my inability to properly command the English language)?

Kendra, when I first read them, I thought I could answer these questions.  Turns out?  I’m just as lost on my response as you.


Mozart – Moonlight Sonata


4 Responses to “Who. Are. You?”

  1. tgstein June 12, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

    Change is never stable ground, and can often suck…but change tends to be more often good than bad. We realize the things we hadn’t before, as we learn new things, and it evokes change.

    Honestly, it’s this honesty and ‘real’ sort of insight, and self-evaluation, that makes your and Kendra’s blogs so good, and so exceptional.

    You two have actually inspired me to start one of my own, as me, and about my perspective and issues. I constantly wrestle with feeling like I’m self-absorbed (I have a loose count, even now, of how many times I used “I” in writing)…but I know no good comes of being constantly outside yourself, or pandering to the expectations of others.

    You and Kendra show very well how important being, and knowing, yourself is. Keep it up (as, I’m sure, you could do no less), and you’ll find your way.

    “…then took the other, as just as fair
    And having perhaps the better claim,
    For it was grass, and wanted wear….” – Robert Frost

  2. Kendra June 13, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

    I don’t know if I should apologize for making you realize this or not! It fucking sucks to realize you have no idea who you are, what you want out of life, what your future holds, where you want to go and what you want to share with the world…but isn’t it better knowing you don’t know, then walking around thinking you do and in 10…20…30 years realize you got it all wrong?

    I don’t know.

    I think my biggest struggle with realizing all of this is that I have no fucking clue where to go from here. How do I get to a point that I can answer those questions? Even a beginning, something small. I don’t know.

    I hope we both figure it out Kim! If you have any ideas on where to go from here, please share.

    • vyxen June 13, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

      Don’t apologize! It’s actually nice to put a face to the “blah-ness” I’ve been feeling. It does fucking suck to have no real idea who you are, but it comforting to know that that’s what the problem is. At least once you identify the problem you can go about trying to solve it.

      In theory.

      I know some of where I want to go, but some of that some is scary. It’s like that Beauty and the Beast path, y’know? One’s bright, sun-shiny and easy. The other one’s grown over, ominous and terrifying. But. I think the scary one is probably better. More difficult, but more rewarding. (Do you like how I just made my life into a GD Disney film? Yah. Me too.)

      Honey – as soon as I know, you’ll know. 🙂 Good luck!

  3. timberwolf1771 July 17, 2011 at 4:19 am #

    Hey foxy one. This is a really hard question for anybody, especially as they grow in their life and change. And as hard as it is, to be human is to change. You are constantly changing from year to year, month to month, week to week and day to day. I wish I could give you some advice on how to make it easier, but I don’t know. The Goddess has often asked me how I do it, and I don’t know. I just one day made a choice to live with change and live in the now, and I followed it on the journey that it led me.

    This is a great question though, and I might have to write about it and see what I come up with.

    Thank you foxy one and Kendra for the great idea.

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