I am a juggernaut of win.

12 Mar

Let me preface this with a very important fact: I love my friends.

I love that they are wonderful, supportive, encouraging people.  I love that they are my family.  I love that they are successful, motivated and amazingly talented.

I fucking hate my friends.

Man alive, there is little in existence that can make me feel as crappy as a chit-chat with a stunning, successful, brilliant friend (who I love – really, I do).

(MJ – I know you have a speech brewing.  You know that I know.  I really do know.  It’s just . . . y’know?)

I have a Bachelor of Arts degree with a focus in English literature.  I do not, however, have motivation and/or drive.  I do not want to be a teacher.  I do not want to live in Vancouver (or another city with similar career possibilities . . . or housing prices) and so cannot so easily pursue a career in editing or publishing.

I have a mark of higher education and I sell chocolate bars (and sometimes books).  This is a huge gripe for me.  I know that “someone’s gotta do it.”  To be honest?  I am really not keen on being that someone.

Okay – for those of you who are like MJ and are itching to get to the comment box?  I know.  I have an education when there are countless people who cannot read.  I have a beautiful house that I love when there are so many without homes.  I have a husband who loves and supports me without question, not everyone is so lucky.  My family is amazing, my friends are outstanding, and I get to bring a fuzzhead into my life very, very soon.  I am thoroughly blessed and I do not take my life for granted.  I know what I have and I know how lucky I am.

(I really hate having to say all that – like I need to be reminded that my life is fucking awesome?  Folks, I am a juggernaut of win.  Please.)

Anyway.  If I could wish my life away, I would wish that I was professionally successful to my personal definition.  Of course, that would entail having an idea of what I’d like to be if I grow up.  It would also negate my affinity for procrastination.

I feel like I’m getting too defensive.

I feel like a bag of shit when someone who has done something (professionally) with their lives comes to visit.  They never “rub it in” my face that I am a retail associate, but I have that lack of self confidence problem.  Things are better for me, I have the highest opinion of myself that I’ve ever had, but it’s still not where it could should be.

More or less, I’m good.  I’m getting to where I want to be, I just suffered a momentary lapse in awesome and I feel that this is something I should share with you.  Not because I’m itching for coddling, I’m not.  I guess it comes down to what K (more or less) said once; you need to know me on my bad days as well as my good days if our relationship is going to be successful.

On the plus side?  While a groupie was reading my part of a group exercise, he chuckled in all the right places and complimented my prose several times.  I thought that was pretty badass and it made me smile.

Filter – “Hey Man, Nice Shot”

UNT.

 

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13 Responses to “I am a juggernaut of win.”

  1. C March 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm #

    Y’know, it’s funny; I always assumed that when I grew up that I’d go to school, and then work for the rest of my life. Instead, I went to school and worked at a bakery. Then I moved and worked at a different bakery. Then I went to school, married, moved, and worked at a cafe. Now I’m going to school for the THIRD time, and hoping that this time I get a job out of it.

    It never occurred to me that I may not have known what I wanted out of life by the time I hit 28 (nearly 29). I just assumed everything would fall into place and that I wouldn’t have to work that hard to get it. And I feel like I lack the self-ambition and motivation to use my hard-earned education to feel successful and like I actually did something with my life – instead of working at countless bakeries and coffee shops.

    Being a grown-up sucks.

    • vyxen March 12, 2011 at 11:10 pm #

      INORITE!? It just doesn’t seem right.

      I hate actually having to WORK for my success. That’s just bullshit, C. Bull. Shit.

      HOWEVER. You are incredibly successful biologically! You have that going for you at least. I don’t have an ounce of maternal motivation – so I’m, like, not even successful as a woman. (Except that I got all married and I keep a relatively clean house – OH and I bake like a mofo. Yes. That too.)

      Life’s a bitch and then you die. wewt.

      • C March 12, 2011 at 11:37 pm #

        Having a baby DOES NOT make me more successful than you. Even idiots get pregnant: watch more reality tv.

        And I cannot believe you just said that you were a failure as a woman because you don’t want to have a baby. Just because you have a uterus doesn’t mean you have to fill it, and it actually pisses me off that you feel like you have to in order to be labelled successful.

        Rant aside, I know you meant that to be a compliment since having a baby makes ME feel more complete, but that choice isn’t for everyone. And I think I’ve been reading too many blogs/articles that affirms what you said (that you have to reproduce to be called a woman) and that it’s been grating on my nerves.

        Maybe you are trying to live up to someone else’s standard of success and that is what is making you feel like a failure. Try changing the rules and you’ll see that you have already won. That’s what I do and I win every time. 😉

        PS – since when have you ever let anyone out-bitch you?

  2. MJ March 12, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

    😛

    Also

    🙂

    And

    That is all. ❤

    • vyxen March 12, 2011 at 11:08 pm #

      I totally just won, didn’t I!?

      😀

      j00, too! 🙂

  3. vyxen March 13, 2011 at 12:09 am #

    C – I can’t reply to your last comment properly. WP will not let me. It’s making me /sadface.

    I don’t so much mean that I’m a failure as a woman. That was MOSTLY a joke. (I’m tired and headachey – things just aren’t coming as easily to me tonight, I’m afraid.) ALTHOUGH being told that you should give birth to the Anti-Christ enough, or you’ll regret LIFE, does begin to make you wonder sometimes. Life just isn’t life without an Apocalypse-bringing demon spawn.

    But yes. I MEAN TO SAY that your life is so 100% not failboat. Neither is mine, btw. Just because we worked at bakeries, coffee shops, burger joints and bookstores doesn’t mean we should warm the bench. We are awesome. Juggernauts of win, I believe, is the phrase of the year. You’re doing the family thing AND more schooling. I’m getting more into writing AND ALSO more schooling (and other things – we should have a date). We’re flipping the bird to the feelings of “blah.” Because we’re awesome.

    I do try to live up to other people’s standards. I know that’s wrong, it’s just difficult to see around, sometimes. I also feel I have to fight the “don’t try to be all that you can be, ’cause you’re just average” crap, too. That one’s way more difficult. I hate that it bogs me down the way it does, too. I hate that I actually find myself halfway believing that shit once in a while. It’s so irritating because it’s so not true. Me? Average? Pfft. Whatevs! 😉

    I heart you. Hard. 🙂 And yah, I out-bitch the world. Fuck you, World.

    • C March 13, 2011 at 12:34 am #

      I’m glad you were joking; I was going to have to kick your ass otherwise, and that would have just been embarrassing for both of us.

      And yes, date time. We need to squeeze in a couple more of those before the kid arrives; although house dates would work after he’s here. How else will the fuzzhead get to know the kid unless they hang out?!

      • vyxen March 13, 2011 at 7:59 am #

        I am stoked on life for walks with Special K and Fuzzhead. (It’s amazing to me that these entities have names, you know that? This is way more fun. Buuuut . . . I still refer to Evan as VIPER, so Special K may just remain Special K FOREVER.)

  4. The Wolf March 13, 2011 at 1:52 am #

    This is a great post. And you are awesome when you’re having a good day and when you’re having a bad day. Everybody is allowed to have bad days once in a while. The important thing is that you don’t let those bad days get the better of you, which, from what I see, you are getting the better of those bad days, which is a good thing.

    **Hugs and licks**

    Keep up the great writing!

    • vyxen March 13, 2011 at 7:58 am #

      Thanks Wolf – I am trying. It’s easy to get bogged down by the bad, and I really do, but you have to come out of the funk or you’re in a world of trouble. I figure if I have bad days then someone else probably has ’em too, and it’s nice to know when you’re not alone, sometimes – though you wouldn’t wish The Blahs on anyone.

  5. Alicia March 16, 2011 at 3:51 pm #

    Whether You Fall- Tracy Bonham.

    It’s the same general idea.
    i ❤ you for saying this though, it takes guts to admit it to yourself let alone to others, and i think you're phenomenal! it made me feel like getting out of my own slump reading it, so thanks, my scone 🙂

    • vyxen March 16, 2011 at 9:40 pm #

      Well hey there stranger! 🙂 Thanks, so much, for stopping by and thank you (again, so much) for the kind words! 🙂

      I’m glad you’re not slumping. Slumping’s no fun – and it sounds, well, rude. 😀

      I look forward to hearing/reading about your new adventures. (We should coffee?)

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. An Honest Fox. « Prolifically Barren - March 17, 2011

    […] It took me a while to remember.  This became more clear as I reflected on my professional discontent. […]

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