Hungry thoughts.

12 Jun

I had a conversation the other day.  It was quite enlightening.  Here is some of it.  In bits and pieces.  (My return comment, added for continuity, is in italics.)

The more people I meet in life the more I realize how few have something truly alive in them, some voice, some consciousness searching for an outlet. Day to day life seems more populated with zombies than living people.

I’m not sure I have anything truly alive in me.  I feel zombified 99.99% of my life.  It’s beginning to get a little stifling, actually.

That’s because there is somthing alive in you, and the endless daily routine and lack of change is killing it.

Reading and movies and games are always something new, something unusual, something you don’t get to experience when you wake up, shower, brush your teeth, get dressed, work, come home relax at the computer for a while, sleep, and then get back up to do it again. And we look forward to days off thinking of the free time, many hours to do whatever…. but it always ends up filled with the same things. I need somthing new, something different.

If all I do if go to the same place every day, come home, read/etc, go to sleep, and do it again… then why am I alive? I work to have money, I have money for a house and food, I have a house and food to stay alive so I’m there to go to work the next day.

It’s an endless cycle with nothing new and nothing interesting.

It’s got me thinking.

Are you happy?

I’m not.  Not overall.  In moments I am quite blissful, but those moments have to end sometime.

I used to believe in dragons and unicorns.  I didn’t just fancy those whimsies as a backdrop for the life I lead in my imagination, I had faith that they were real.  Every time I drove across the province, or the country, with my family (it happened frequently enough, we have a spread out family) I would gaze out of the window of the car and look for unicorns (unicorns held a very special place in my heart).

I don’t really believe in dragons and unicorns anymore.  I mourn that.  That is a sense that should be fostered and cultivated.  Imagination is a precious commodity and it is so easily destroyed with one wrong word, one stern “get your head out of the clouds” look.

The conversation I had spoke to the whimsical part of me.  The part that wants to be allowed (encouraged) to look for unicorns again, knowing that they’re there somewhere and, if I’m very lucky, I will catch a glimpse.  There is a rationality that I have to follow.  I, too, must work for money.  Without money I would starve.  Without money I would also be stuck living in this terrible apartment, or, worse, a cardboard box, rather than a house that I dream of.

Balance.  There has to be balance.  Yes, I have to work.  (It’s true, I would love to love, or at least like, my job.  Different story, though.)  But I also have to feed my imagination.  I have to go for hikes in the woods and recognize a fearie ring for something more than a bizarre  outcropping of mushrooms.  I have to kayak a lake quietly and watch the shoreline for woodnymphs.  Truly?  I have to be open to possibility again.

There are some truly superficial things in my life that look to be changing, soon.  This is wonderful.  (We’re buying a house.  Hopefully before the fall.)  More important things need to change in my life, though.  I need to be happy.  I need to give that little voice its outlet.

And really.  If that ever actually happens, I should be able to report that I’ve been writing, not just put up silly blog posts like this one.

The Nylons – Prince of Darkness


20 Responses to “Hungry thoughts.”

  1. songmistress June 13, 2009 at 9:36 am #

    The mundane does all it can to destroy our faith in the extraordinary, the fantastic…the magical. And we must not allow it. I recommend, if you haven’t read it before, that you read a book called Phantastes. It is an old book, by a man named George MacDonald (also known as the grandfather of fantasy). It always inspires me to look for the magic again. It is where I get my line “all mirrors are magic mirrors” And, you will appreciate lines like:

    “Afterwards I learned, that the best way to manage some kinds of painful thoughts, is to dare them to do their worst; to let them lie and gnaw at your heart till they are tired; and you find you still have a residue of life they cannot kill.”

    I *encourage* you to read it. I *encourage* you to believe.

  2. vyxen June 13, 2009 at 10:10 am #

    I do quite love that quote!

    I’ll have to see about picking that up, Autumn. Thank you, so much, for the recommendation. 🙂 And thank you for the encouragement. It is more appreciated than you know, right now.

  3. vyxen June 13, 2009 at 10:17 am #

    Update: I’ve just ordered it from Books & Co. Should be here soon-ish. I have entirely too many books to catch up on. Book buying is a dangerous addiction.

  4. Tracy June 13, 2009 at 8:41 pm #

    I can think of no better reason to be poor than because you blew your fortune on books.

    For me what pains me is the sense that I am now too old to have an old grandfatherly figure tap on my door and tell me I have to leave immediately and go on a journey with him. That the woman that I always believed was my aunt is a powerful sorceress who has been protecting me and she must come too. And while on that trip reveal I am indeed of secret noble birth, and possess strange magical powers that I need to awaken. And that it is my destiny to save the world from some great and unimaginable evil.

    I grew up dreaming this were possible… and sometime in that dreaming I have – without really noticing it – ceased being a viable (youthful, slightly follish, wide-eyed) hero and I have become the aunt.

    I just have to remember that secretly I am a powerful sorceress.

  5. Miss Ash June 19, 2009 at 10:26 am #

    I feel like you might have taken these words right from my head on some days.
    Other days, there is magic… and I’ve been working on focusing more on the magical lately. It’s been working, mostly.
    And I would guess that if there’s anything I have control over, it’s my attitude. Mostly.

  6. missyjo June 20, 2009 at 9:52 pm #

    I used to feel exactly the same way. You get up and go to work, so you can get up and go to work again tomorrow. And it’s so much worse when you HATE your job. And I started thinking back to when I was a kid, the happy times, the fun things I did. The wonder and excitement I felt about the world, and whatever might be around the corner. And it started me thinking about what the difference is between then and now, besides age.

    And I came to a realization.

    The only real difference is my perspective. Yea, we have to work and do all the mundane stuff now, but we did then too, if you’ll recall. We had school and chores and stuff we had to do with our parents we hated. We had all sorts of things that interfered with what we’d rather be doing. But we got excited about those things we GOT to do. So that now, when we look back, all we recall are those fun things we did. We don’t remember school, dr appts, dentist appts, and illnesses. NOW we get so bogged down in MUNDANE that we don’t see the fun stuff, till a year down the road. I look back at when I worked at my last job, and how miserable I was, how much I hated life and everything in it pretty much…but it’s hard to see it now. I see the Christmas we bought the kids new bikes, and how excited I was to sneak them into the house and see their reactions on Christmas Morning. I see the birth of Abby and how excited I was about that, instead of how MISERABLE I was being pregnant and how much I hurt (Though that memory hasn’t QUITE faded completely haha). It occurs to me that we get so busy looking at how much we hate the mundane parts of our lives, we miss all the good stuff till it’s already gone and just memory, then we look back and say ” I was so happy then…” when at the time, we really weren’t. But we WERE.

    If that makes any sense at all….

  7. vyxen June 21, 2009 at 10:05 am #

    It makes a lot of sense, Brandy. Thank you. You’re right.

    There is a lot about my life that I cherish and love. I have an amazing family, my friends are family (and so fall into the amazing category), and have had some fabulous opportunities.

    What I mourn is a loss of naiveté. I feel like I’ve crossed Blake’s threshold all of a sudden.

    It has an effect on writing! I have a difficult time thinking about writing fantasy because I see fantasy as a fantasy, right now. It is far better to see it as a reality. Then the writing is far more convincing.

    But I do, completely, understand where you are coming from. 🙂 And thank you.

  8. Z June 23, 2009 at 8:26 pm #

    Would you rather be like me and stay naive? It requires quite a bit of masochism. ^^

  9. vyxen June 23, 2009 at 10:10 pm #


  10. missyjo June 25, 2009 at 9:35 pm #

    I think, you and I, just need to find the fantasy in the simplicity that is our lives. Because all those things STILL exist. We just hide them behind the boxes of what we think SHOULD be important. We get so caught up and worried about the world at large, the damage to the roads we drive on, the coffeepot at work is broken, down to how’m I gonna pay the car payment when it’s due this week? I mean, I’ll have the cash NEXT week, but then it will be late…and we get so bent out of shape over those things that we pile all these boxes around ourselves of what “should” be important, that we can’t see what IS important anymore. Not saying those things aren’t important, but when do you get to climb out of your box-fort?? When do you get to take some time to just BREATHE? We never EVER give ourselves that time. To just put it ALL away and just BE. And I think that’s what we need to find. Our tree house. Our tent under the dining room table. Lay out in the corn field and look at the stars. We damn sure deserve it, don’t we?

  11. vyxen June 27, 2009 at 8:14 am #

    You have corn fields, there? That is badass.

    Yah. We do deserve it. I wish I could pinpoint exactly when whimsy became covered in fog for me. It would be nice to know when that changed.

    Back to basics, amirite?

  12. missyjo June 28, 2009 at 1:10 am #

    precisely! And yea, we have almost as many cornfields as we have cow pastures. 😉 The cows and corn keep the ground from blowing away. haha

    Basics is EXACTLY right.

    I’m teaching myself that exactly. Learning to NOT be so busy, spend time cuddling in bed watching a movie with Dan. Watching TV or playing ball in the yard WITH my kids, not just being in the same room but everyone doing something else. Spend some time doing NOTHING. No tv, no computer, just…NOTHING. Spend some time exploring my own mind. There are cobwebs in here. 😉

  13. kendrajk June 30, 2009 at 6:54 pm #

    “That’s the thing with magic. You’ve got to know it’s still here, all around us, or it just stays invisible for you.” – Charles de Lint

    thought you might like that quote and thought it fit with the topic here

  14. vyxen June 30, 2009 at 7:57 pm #

    Could de Lint be more of a genius? 😉

    Thanks K. 🙂

  15. songmistress July 1, 2009 at 2:58 am #

    I’ve never read any de Lint. Now I’m curious.

    Also… Tracy’s post reminded me of the movie Big Fish. It’s another great thing to watch when you need to “see” the magic again.

  16. vyxen July 1, 2009 at 7:30 pm #

    If you think you love Gaiman, you will adore de Lint. Special added bonus? He is Canadian.

    Big Fish was a good movie. I should buy that. (Autumn. You really like making me spend money, don’t you?)

  17. missyjo July 3, 2009 at 10:35 pm #

    DAMN! I wanted to see Big Fish. Then when they stopped plugging it on TV I forgot about it. Crap. Now I must either download or buy it. And since I’m broke…;) You do the math. 😉

  18. Hirondelle July 5, 2009 at 9:53 am #

    De Lint beats Gaiman *nodnod*

    • vyxen July 5, 2009 at 2:11 pm #

      I concur. (Which, I think, says a lot about de Lint! :D)

  19. missyjo July 29, 2009 at 10:14 pm #

    The name de Lint makes me think chocolate for some reason…LOL

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