It got me thinking.
I’m honest here. I’ve never lied to you. I’ve never withheld important information. I have withheld, though.
I wrote to a friend today and said that I was tired of donning the happy-face mask when the last thing I’m feeling is happy. I’m tired of the charade. I can’t promise to leave it behind, because sometimes we just have to grin and bear it, but I can try veryveryvery hard to leave the mask off most days.
The last thing I’ve been feeling, these last two weeks, is happy. Talking last week helped, but not enough. Coming to terms with some things this week helped, but not completely.
Honestly, a great deal of my current “blah-ness” can be chalked up to a lapse in self-understanding. I think we (the glorious “we”) have moments when we need to re-evaluate who we are. Just when you think you understand yourself, you go ahead and change. Things that weren’t important before become important later. Similarly, things that seemed life-and-death earlier are of little consequence now. Transition. It’s a mighty strange thing. It’s difficult to fit every aspect of your past into your present – some things need to be left aside.
I realize that my stream of consciousness doesn’t make a lot of sense. This is one of those posts that sounded considerably more reasonable when I was thinking about it. The actual practice of writing it falls a little shy of comprehensible. But, you cats have it easy. You’ve been reading long enough to have an idea of where I tend to come from. Try living this shit. No GPS, no road map, nothing.
I’m losing track of who I am. I’m not really sure what makes me . . . me. What do I want to share with the world? What do I bring to the world? What defines me? What makes me interesting (aside from my inability to properly command the English language)?
Kendra, when I first read them, I thought I could answer these questions. Turns out? I’m just as lost on my response as you.