Who. Are. You?

Kendra was honest about life and blogging this week(end).

It got me thinking.

I’m honest here.  I’ve never lied to you.  I’ve never withheld important information.  I have withheld, though.

I wrote to a friend today and said that I was tired of donning the happy-face mask when the last thing I’m feeling is happy.  I’m tired of the charade.  I can’t promise to leave it behind, because sometimes we just have to grin and bear it, but I can try veryveryvery hard to leave the mask off most days.

The last thing I’ve been feeling, these last two weeks, is happy.  Talking last week helped, but not enough.  Coming to terms with some things this week helped, but not completely.

Honestly, a great deal of my current “blah-ness” can be chalked up to a lapse in self-understanding.  I think we (the glorious “we”) have moments when we need to re-evaluate who we are.  Just when you think you understand yourself, you go ahead and change.  Things that weren’t important before become important later.  Similarly, things that seemed life-and-death earlier are of little consequence now.  Transition.  It’s a mighty strange thing.  It’s difficult to fit every aspect of your past into your present – some things need to be left aside.

I realize that my stream of consciousness doesn’t make a lot of sense.  This is one of those posts that sounded considerably more reasonable when I was thinking about it.  The actual practice of writing it falls a little shy of comprehensible.  But, you cats have it easy.  You’ve been reading long enough to have an idea of where I tend to come from.  Try living this shit.  No GPS, no road map, nothing.

I’m losing track of who I am.  I’m not really sure what makes me . . . me.  What do I want to share with the world?  What do I bring to the world?  What defines me?  What makes me interesting (aside from my inability to properly command the English language)?

Kendra, when I first read them, I thought I could answer these questions.  Turns out?  I’m just as lost on my response as you.

Awesome.

Mozart – Moonlight Sonata

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PSA: fucking talk.

I hate communicating.

By nurture, I’m a really big fan of the “let your unhappiness eat away at you until you are a shell of your former self” concept.  I’m also really good at letting my unhappiness eat away at me until I am a shell of my former self.  A bitter, melancholy shell who noms carelessly on (really fucking great) brownies.

Enter mephy.  (Again.)

mephy communicates.  mephy actually communicates really well and damn near holds me at gunpoint until I tell him what’s bothering me, even if he knows he won’t like to hear it.  (I like to be a martyr.)  Obviously today was one of those days when I was forced to talk.  I was getting to that shell-of-my-former-self stage – it would have happened within the week.  Thankfully, my friends are as stubborn as my husband-guy and will tell me not what I want to hear, but what I need to hear, whether I like it or not.  (Thanks MJ – I <heart> you.)

Here’s a tip: talk.

mephy says it.  MJ says it.  Kendra says it.

I hate communicating.  I would love little more than for mephy to be psychic (selectively. . . ) and instinctively know why I’m bothered when I’m bothered.  It’s probably a good thing that this isn’t the case.  I’ve learned so much about communicating in the last ten-ish years.  I’ve learned so much about myself because of that.  Both of these topics of knowledge make me a better me (take that US Army).  I really enjoy to become a better me, it makes me happy to learn and understand more about myself.  It makes mephy happy to have a dynamic, confident and independent (not to mention happy) wife.

I hate communicating, but damn if it isn’t hugely important.

(Apparently today was the day for a PSA – I did not come here to preach, it just worked out that way.)

PCD (feat. will.i.am) – Beep

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World, meet Ayla!

mephy and I went to Alberta this weekend.  We drove to Edmonton on Friday, and then to Sylvan Lake and all the way back home (via Drayton Valley) on Saturday.  Twenty-odd hours of driving in forty-eight hours.

Why?

Because I am obsessed with dogs.

Well.  I was obsessed with dogs.  Now I am obsessed with dog.

We chose to procure our fuzzhead through a breeder.  This took some research.  Years of research in fact, as mephy and I had been talking about getting a dog for a very long time now.  It was my belovéd Angel of Evil who stumbled across and decided on Janzhaus German Shepherds in Sylvan Lake, Alberta.  He loved the look of the stock and the strong European lines therein (that his GSD is of working stock is very important to my mephy).  (This is why we went with a purebred – papered, registered and all – my friends.  mephy is a GSD fan bred, born and raised and it is very important to him to have a good shepherd.  A healthy dog that we know what to expect from.)

After a few months of emailing with the breeder, we decided on the pairing between Suzie and Baro.  The litter of four wriggly little fuzzy heart-breakers was born on March 14.  (The first day of the rest of our lives.)  I kept in close contact with the breeder and viewed litter pictures as they became available.  When the six-week photos were posted, mephy fell head over heels.  Of the four relatively standard marked puppies there was one who stood out.  A pure black little critter with floppy ears and an assertive stare.  We were both a little disappointed when the next set of images did not include this Little Miss, but were excited to welcome whoever we were destined to meet on Saturday.

You know the rest of the story.

Our pup’s amazing breeder introduced us to our little girl and mephy’s eyes lit like I’ve rarely seen them light when he cast gaze upon the little black ball of fur.

She is amazing, folks.  Amazing!  She took the ten hour car ride like a champ; was car sick only once, whined for about fifteen minutes total, at the beginning of the trip, and was perky and spunky and playful when she wasn’t dozing to pass the trip.  Since then (last night) she’s been outstanding.  Sure there was some crate crying induced sleeplessness and some “holy crap, WTF am I supposed to do now?!,” but there’s also been a lot of super fun play (she’s a great pouncer), great cuddling and really, really interesting behavioural observations (she’s as curious as she is sassy, and a sweetheart and a half to boot)!

I love this little fuzzhead.  I love her something good.

Kosmonova – Ayla II (Club Mix) (Yes I see what it says.  Yes DJ Ayla did the song Ayla first and did it very well, but Kosmonova knocked it out of the park.)

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101 Things (youdon’tcare) About Me: The Nerdy Edition!

Part three of the series!

As you might guess, the “what makes you a nerd?” list came from Kendra (who got it from Cassie at The Veda House, who got it from Michelle of Oh, Mishka).  This is a small part of what makes me a total nerd:

1. I think one of my parents’ standard poodles looks like a Mystic from The Dark Crystal.
2. In my world “expletive deleted” takes the form of “frell,” and “frack” (in various forms).
3. I have decided, however blasphemous, that Neil Gaiman created the world (a la The Sandman).
4. When we were very newly together, I used to watch mephy play CS (Counter-Strike) for hours.  He says now that one of the reasons he married me is that my favourite map is Militia.
5. Very few people will watch Hackers with me because I tend to recite the script along with the film.
6. The theme from The Young and the Restless will always remind me of ST:TNG, because TYatR always preceded ST:TNG when I was growing up.
7. While we were in the same apartment, mephy and I used to play D2 for hoursandhoursandhours (with Benny too, of course).
8. I have been known to read Shakespeare for shiggles.
9. My totem (spirit) animals are my tattoos (save for one – I don’t have that last critter quite yet).  Naturally, I also have key chains to match those animals hanging in the rearview mirror of my car.
10. The next two tattoos I have planned (before the final creature) are reading and writing inspired.
11. I’m currently in the middle of watching Gilmore Girls (I’m on S4).  Whenever Dean gets irritated and Hulks out I chuckle and say “Sammy Winchester, ladies and gentlemen!”  (On a related note: I love that his name is Dean in GG and his brother’s name is Dean in Supernatural.)
12. I make up stories about people I encounter in my daily life.  For instance: why is the exuberant 16-year old girl buying an AA book?  (I haven’t written this history yet, but it’s been brewing for a while.)
13. Times New Roman is my favourite font.  (Dave says this is because I haven’t seen Helvetica.)
14. While I was tracking the evolution of this nerdy-things list I came across “Oh, Mishka.”  The (fantastic) author of this blog used the word “absurd,” and it made my day just a little brighter.  Absurd is a really nifty word.  I love nifty words.  I love stumbling, totally randomly, across nifty words in use by totally neat people.
15. I love words like nifty, neat, keen, skookum and boss.  Fun vocabulary makes me smile.
16. One of my favourite dreams is to start a story with “fuck.”
17. I’m going to a roller derby bout this weekend and my new weekend goal is to write a piece of creative nonfiction about the bout.
18. mephy and I named our cat after a favourite StarCraft character and plan to name our puppy after a favourite song.  (I also once kept a rat named Amalthea.)
19. We just got a shipment of new journals in at work today and I got SO EXCITED (they close with a SNAP).  I want one.  I think I will buy one.  I have plans for it, coffee and sunlight.  (There are also fancy-dancy new pens in fabulous colours.  I will buy one of those, too . . . and will also show you both.  Possibly with sunlight and coffee.)
20. I have two sets of KISS action figures – regular ones and some Psycho Circus flavour.
21. I can read leet.  Not just 1337 leet, but |337 leet too.
22. I am moderately obsessed with play-by-post RPG and constantly have characters formulating in my noggin.
23. I once wrote an essay comparing and contrasting He-Man and Hercules.  For class.
24. When I grow up I want to be Cimorene.
25. I love serial horror movies.  Nightmare on Elm Street chief among them, but I also really enjoy the “bad” ones like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer – and I think I need to marathon through those again one of these days.

(Part 1.
Part 2.)

Matthew Good – Weapon

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Will you walk into my parlour?

Oh it’s another K-Day!  You guessed it – this post is inspired by the amazing Kendra, who has said that many of the folks she follows are into posting “What’s in YOUR bag?!” posts about their purses, murses and backpacks (oh my!).  She has decided to play it a little differently (who can blame her?) and let us get to know her based on her collection of bookshelves.

I’m a follower, folks. . . .

That shelf above me there?  That’s my “writing” shelf in my “office.”  I keep my notebooks, how-to writing books and magazines and some lovely inspiration (the fantastic picture of the amazing woman in purple was a gift from ShadowsFire) on this shelf, right beside my computer desk.  My other shelf is on the other side of the desk:

As you can see, this is my pulp-fiction shelf!  I am ashamed of no piece of writing therein!  (I need a new shelf, I know.)

These ones are mephy’s (you can tell by the landscaping manuals, war history texts, Salvatore collection . . . and measuring tape – hey mephy?  You’re a nerd) and live in his office:

The last shelf of our collection is our Pretentious Shelf.  This one lives in our guest room and houses almost all of our non-textbook school books (have I mentioned that we each hold a BA in English?  Explains the book hoarding, doesn’t it?) – we like to show off for guests:

So.  There you have it.  My book shelves.  Have you learned anything new about me (other than that you should call A&E and let them know about my problem)?

Prism – Armageddon

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Still here?  Waiting for a little somethin’ extra?  You want to know what I keep in my handbag, dontcha?  Well, I can’t deny you that. . . .

Here’s the purse that needs replacing (I love it, but it’s seen better days.  Well that and Shhhh… has some stunning new products!):

And here’s what I keep in it!

The usual suspects: makeup and toiletries, (archaic) cellphone, wallet (complete with family of moths), pens, my handy-dandy notebook (Moleskine guys, it’s gotta be Moleskine – yup!  I’m that guy), reusable cloth bag . . . and a pocketknife, Leatherman (Juice XE6 – my husband is AWESOME) and flashlight!

PS. Before I forget, I joined 20SB (yes, because K did it first – imitation is the most sincere form of attempted identity theft).  Are you there?  You should be – especially if you’re 20something (I only have a year and a half left) and you blog!

Obsessive.

What are you looking forward to this year?

I smiled when I read this prompt last week and I’ve been saving it up!

You see, Kendra has a new guest-blog feature: I’m Obsessed!  Moderate-in-length story much, much shorter: I wrote for her.

My obsession directly correlates to what I’m looking forward to this year.

(I am also looking forward to playing in my yard more this year.  Re-working my compost, making a veggie garden, prettifying my garden-garden and trying to reconstruct a healthy lawn . . . AND playing with the puppy outside!)

Nick Gilder – Hot Child in the City

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PS.  If anyone’s interested in contributing to Kendra’s “I’m Obsessed!” feature, please contact her through her blog!  She is awesome and it’s super fun to blog about your personal passions.  I highly recommend it!

I think this line’s mostly filler.

School update!

I have to tell you, folks, it is strange to be in classes again.  My most important observation so far: I am old.  I am taking strictly first year classes and, thus, surrounded by eighteen-year-olds.  It’s actually kind of intimidating.  These kids, for the most part, are fresh outta high school and while I’ve been out of school for five years, I’ve been out of high school for ten.  Ten!

However!  I (already) have a degree. Beat that, eighteen-year-old!  (It’s true, I am 28, but I like to act my shoe size – which, if you’re curious, is eight, eight-and-a-half if I’m feeling particularly fat-footed.)  That, and I’m (mostly) doing this as an experiment.  I want to know if pursuing a business degree is an acceptable way to waste use my time, and I want to reaffirm that I am still capable of “higher learning.”

So far?  So good.   I did have to break it to mephy that I intend to drop my math course.  While I was sitting at Timmy-Ho’s working on my assignment after class yesterday morning I was reminded of Grade 12 Physics .  In that (terrible, horrible, no good, very bad) class I was assigned homework that I worked on for hours, only to be more confused (and frustrated) than I was when I began.  I did then what I intend to do now, I said g’bye.  I love a challenge, but I also know my limits.  If this is to be an experiment, I’d like to enjoy it.  If I pursue the degree, I’ll bone up on my math and take the course after I’ve adequately prepared for it.  Leaving this class behind (for now) will give me more time with mephy, more time to write, more time to read for my other (three) classes and more time for extra hours at work.

An observation of lesser importance, but more interest?  Professors are people, too.  When I began my post-secondary education ten years ago, professors were less actual people and more sovereigns.  Now that I’ve been out of school for a few (five) years and have had a lot of opportunity to forge actual relationships with so many people of differing backgrounds (and education levels) – and now that I know quite a number of teachers – I understand that there are people behind the supreme overlord.  I am no longer daunted by these men and women.  I respect the heck out of them, but they are just people who have trained for a particular job.  This is a simple understanding, I realize, but it’s striking all the same.

School is interesting.  So far, beyond my math woes, I am enjoying it.  I expect that might change as I come closer to midterms and, then, final exams, but it’s fun to sit and just absorb knowledge.  It is especially fun to sit and absorb relevant knowledge.

So I meant to take one of WP’s prompt ideas and go, but this took up more time and space than I had thought.  I’m hoping to get two posts in next week!  (Also!  Watch for me on K’s site!  I have a guest post 98% finished for her.)

Danko Jones – Active Volcanoes

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Wordcount: I’m afraid it hasn’t changed.  I blogged and then blogged again, but otherwise I’ve been too busy with work, school and home life to actually make time to sit and write.  Well, that and a friend lent me season one of Gilmore Girls and I’m mildly addicted to watching it every spare moment I have.

Oh. Y’know. Stuff.

I have nothing to say, but I really want to say something.

I hate that.

I could outline some desired goals, how ’bout that?  You’ve seen that I want to cook more, review books more frequently, finish something I’ve started and get (TF) out of my house more regularly.  I’ve been thinking about other things, though.  Blog things.

You wouldn’t know it, but I really love my blog.  It’s fun to have, especially when I have people to visit with!  (Thanks for commenting, commenting-type-peeps!)  I want to write here more.

My friend Kendra has days of blog (Photo Fridays and Thoughtful Thursdays) and nifty things like Colour Inspirations.  I’m interested in this.  I’d like to blog at least once a week.  Maybe feature something once a month – a blogger or a local somethingawesome?  Maybe pick up on those writing prompts K posted about a hundred years ago?

Something.

Any friendly input, kids?  We gotta get this here blog off the ground again.  I’m feeling a bit lack lustre on the creativity and I can’t maintain it without a little initial growth.

I’ll sleep on it.

Beenie Man – King of the Dancehall

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101 Things (youdon’tcare) About Me: Part 1.

Okay.  I caved.

I told K that I wasn’t going to take part in this, but I did it anyway.  Like K, I am going to not post all 101 at once.  (Mostly this is because I haven’t written them all yet, and I like the idea of having three-ish blog posts for the list.  At least I know what I’ll post for two more!  This is progress.)

The things you did not want to know about your snarky neighbourhood vyxen:

1. The only thing I really want to do is write.  That is my career aspiration.
2. I don’t write.  Writing intimidates me.
3. When mephy is away for an evening, or series of evenings, I sleep with a well-loved stuffed winged horse.
4. I obsessively listen to 94X.  When I get ready in the morning I have it playing on three radios in my house (the bedroom, the living room and live streaming on the computer) and then in my car on my drive to work.
5. I live for Christmas.  The food, the music, the decorations, the family closeness.  It is my favourite time of year and I still can’t sleep well on Christmas Eve (because I am teh uber excited).
6. This year I am also stoked for Halloween.  I went out the other day and had a mini shopping spree at the Dollar Store for fun things to dress my house up – I also have plans to carve The Hottest Pumpkins in the World (I’ll let you know how that goes).
7. I think that Chuck is God.
8. I love my house.  More than loving my house, I love having a house.  A home.  A home that is mine.  It makes me happy to curl up on my chair and alternate between reading and watching the weather and neighbourhood.
9. I dislike the telephone and try hard to avoid using it.  I don’t mind to talk to friends and family on it, but would much rather visit in person.
10. I love caller ID.  It makes it very easy to maintain my avoidance of using the telephone.
11. mephy is my partner.  I lucked out.  He is in love with me and sees me as his equal.  To add to that, he is very supportive of all of my crazy whims.
12. I want a dog.  Desperately.
13. The ‘80s was, without a doubt, the best decade.  Ever.  Musically brilliant, and you just can’t go wrong with highlighter pink spandex leggings, a too-large t-shirt (knotted at the side) depicting the NKOTB, a side ponytail of crimped hair and Jem-pink eye shadow.  Seriously, though, best music and best cartoons . .  . and most of my favourite people in the world were born then.
14. Spiders are not my favourite of the world’s creatures.  Not at all.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Sadly, 98% of the spiders I’ve found in the house are behemoth demigods.
15. I have a body-dump pit in my basement.
16. Reading “literature” makes me feel better about myself.
17. I am not a “book snob,” I just don’t like things that are, imo, poorly written.
18. I love Supernatural.  Beyond my fangrrl tendencies, I really love the way the show’s written.  It’s witty, it’s satiric, and the portrayal of Judeo-Christian theology is not, at all, black and white.
19. I am looking forward to the first snowfall of the season, so much, this year.
20. I have never been as happy in my life, with my life, as I am now.
21. It made my year when the woman at the BC Access Centre changed my hair colour from brown to auburn on my driver’s licence.
22. I swear like a trucker.
23. I also like to say really nerdy things like (but not limited to) “Mother Trucker!” and “that’s boss” and “double ewe tee eff!?”
24. I am The Duff.
25. I can’t stand people who tail-gate.  I wish terrible, terrible things upon their vehicles.  (Seriously?  Were you born in a barn?  Rear-end me when I slam on the breaks to piss you off, cockbag, and you get to pay to have my car fixed.  “I’m so sorry!  It’s just that I couldn’t hit that *sniffle* butterfly!”  Yah.  Bite me.)

Bon Jovi – Lie To Me

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Four simple goals.

(Image © A Beautiful Mess)

So.  K has been advertising a trend in her world of blogdom.  It is about goals.  The (brilliant) originator of this trend is Elsie of A Beautiful Mess (Elsie’s 4 simple goals.)

I have goals.

1) I want to finish a piece of writing.  Not a blog, but a piece of (preferably fictional) writing.  I would like it to be more than one page in length, but finished is finished.  (This is my goal for the 3-Day Novel Contest, akshully.)

2) I want to write a book review a month.  Not necessarily for Books & Co., but it would be awesome to see my writing posted to the webpage again!  That, and it would be awesome to have something new to post here every month.

3) I will go with the culinary theme and share my desire to be more of a kitchen aficionado.   I would particularly like to be more involved in meal planning (for more from the talented Michelle of DohDums, please click this sentence) and, as such, save money on grocery bills.  I am organized in so much of my life, I would like to see that carry through to this aspect of my domestic life.

4) I want to walk more.  I walked a lot in the early summer.  At least five days a week for several months, but I got lazy when I was letting the new tatt heal and stopped the walking.  This is something that is as good for my soul as it is my body and I need to pick it up again.

That’s it, kids.  Those are my goals for the year.  As the rules for this blog dictate, I will keep you up to date on my progress!

My Darkest Days – Pornstar Dancing

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